TURNER IN '28

2006-04-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

SUP HOMBREZ?!

sorry about the long time in between posts- Its hard running a Presidential Campaign when you have a part time job and school!

Anyway, about my Bi-lingual opening-

The year, as of now, is 2006. There are 12 million illegal immigrants in the United States. These immigrants are evil, evil people. They leave their paradisio in Mexico to run over the simple and pure United States of America- just so they can impose their culture on us! And Steal our jobs! And plant their seeds in our women! And pluck the fruits planted by their seeds in various farms across the nation!

America hasnt seen such an invasion by a barbaric force bent on continental domination since the 1800s, when nearly 50 million native americans decided to squat themselves down on the land that was rightfully given to the British ex-patriots by God!

But this invasion was a disaster for these folk- using America's fine recipe of 2 dashses diplomacy, 1 dash infantry battles, and a hint of chemical warfare- We decimated the invading force and, to really piss them off, named our hi-tech military veichles after them! Crazy Horse would be proud to know the White Man's preferred low-altitude fighting veichle is named the Apache.

But nowadays, we have this thing called the "United Nations". Now, being a big-government libretarian, the U.N. and I have a love-get the fuck off the face of the earth relationship. On the one hand, they have a kick-ass logo. On the other hand, they strictly enforce their so-called "human rights".

You just cant go around promising a people land then shooting them as they walk to it. You just cant go giving them rugs tainted with smallpox. Nooo. You have to settle things "diplomatically", or as I like to call it, "the slow, unproductive way".

How does this tie in with the explosive 12 million immigrants stomping into our nation?

Simple- the only way we could defeat the Natives was through productive warfare. If we ever did this to the Immigrants, the "United Nations" (or as I like to call them Uterus Novices, implying they never get laid) would have a hay-day, and might go so far as to give us an angry notice.

So no, we just have to let these gents run into this nation without recourse. Sure, we could build a wall, but have you seen these people? They fuck like crazy! Human Waves would topple the thing in minutes! Sure, we could turn them into felons, but have you seen these people? They fuck like crazy! Human Waves would topple the bars in seconds!

Plus, nowadays, people are lazy. Unlike our forefathers, who would make batman look like some good samaritan on an Oprah episode, our leaders today make Robin look like Batman. They bitch and moan about how taxes and such would kill jobs, and here are these "aliens" taking ours!

I'll never forget the time I met an elderly world war two veteran, who told me his heartbreaking story of outsourcing in our own nation.

All his life, he took pride in his work. His work? Migrant Farming. His father and him would go up and down the california coast, looking for work for virtually no pay. His stay would be temporary, but in those shacks where he lived with 2 other families with small children, he made bonds that could never be broken. Mostly legal bonds, as if he ever pissed off the boss, its straight to INS!. He made a good living, earning enough money to save up not only for food for a month, but also enough to send home to Soviet Russia, where his family made pennys an hour building Yugo's to further the Worker's Paradise's plans for everybody to own a shoddily-built copy of a Geo.

But around 1930 he noticed something. Okies from some foreign land named Oklahoma were coming in the droves. They took his fathers job. They were forced into starvation. Things got so bad that he even had to get breastfed from some teenage mother who's baby was born stillborn. And the chick LIKED IT! Who were these demon folk?

When he found out they were americans and the economy had gone to shit, he wasnt mad anymore. He went off to war, got into college with the GI Bill, and opened Vermont's leading vaccum retailer. But when he found out that the migrant farms had again been overrun-not just okies this time, but okies you couldnt understand- a tear was brought to his eye.

Its tragic stories like this that make me wish the Government would take action to put an end to this travesty and give migrant farming back to americans who dont like a living wage.

The only way we can stop this invasion by a foreign force, however, would require a declaration of war.

Theres a problem though. We've got nothing against Mexico. Cancun is nice. So is Monterrey. And Veracruz is quite the hamlet. We dont wanna attack them, really.

we just dont like their people that much, at least when they cross the borders that God himself wrote on his globe long ago, Gasden Purchase and everything.

Theres just a problem- Their people are in our military. One of them is the fucking attorney general! oh shit!

And theres another problem. For every illigal hispanic, there are about 10 legal ones. And they can vote.

And they are expanding at a rapid rate, due to whitey's crushing inablity to fuck without result.

That means....by 2028......they will have majority voting status..........

umm.....
uhh.......

Hombrez! Mi Casa Es Tu Casa!

Dont worry homes, Lou Dobbs will be long dead in 22 years.

TO BE CONTINUED WHEN I'm NOT SLEEPY

2005-10-02T14:44:00.000-07:00

Greetings, future voter. I am Eric Zachary Turner, your future scapegoat. I am here today to announce my intentions to run in the presidential election in 2028. Why 2028? A few reasons

I'm only 18
Our Christian God is firmly on the side of Republicans for the next 22 years, when they will pass the controversial "New Prohibition Act", denying millions of churchgoers the opprotunity to drink his son's blood
Have you seen the budget deficit? No way am I fixing that

So you may be asking yourself, "Why am I listening to a college student who dosent want to fix the budget deficit?"

Well, I'll tell you why.

I have devised the perfect platform for becoming president.

"Perfect? I laugh at you!"

No, really, imaginary criticisim. Its perfect. See, today's political parties are based on a well balanced brew of ignorance, pandering, contradiction, corruption, and money. Tons of it.

I have thrown all these characteristics into my new party, along with one secret ingredient: libretarianisim

Yes, libretarians, the "Get off my lawn mailman, you are one of them!" party. Small government to the max, as long as that max includes an NRA membership. They are the "Anti-Catholics" party for the 21st century-so cool and fashionable, but god forbid you ever admit being one, much less auctually voting for a canidate. Howard Stern, South Park, and Jesus have led to a rise in people claiming to be libretarian, no matter how painfully pro-government they are. Claiming to be libretarian just makes you look smart, fashionable, aware, and white. In a way, libretarians are the metrosexuals of the political world, unbuttoned shirts and all

So, why havent the major political parties jumped on this unstoppable bandwagon that is libretarianisim? Simple. For Democrats, it goes against just about everything the party stands for. For Republicans, they think libretarians are, for the lack of a better term, "gay". And gays just so happen to be evil to the cicadas (tiny, not so many of them, but jeez, they are so effing loud) of the republican party, the Christian right.

Luckily for my presidential run in 23 years, Democrats will no longer exist by this time, as all avowed liberals will be forced underground to fight a guerilla war with the machines who control the surface. And the christian right will complain themselves right into obvilion.

Thus setting up my perfect party

ON THIS, THE 2nd OF OCTOBER, 2005, THE BIGGETARIAN PARTY WAS FORMED

Yes, the Biggetarians. Running on a Big-Government Libretarian platform, we stand for the following:

A dramatic increase in welfare spending, but completly eliminating any and all subsidies programs for the poor
raising the drinking, smoking, and driving age to 22, while making the comsumption of alchohol, tobacco, and motor oil legal for all
Eliminating the federal prison system, in favor of throwing all convicts in the superdome. Every convict is given a knife, a broom, and a condom. FOX will film the convicts as they stab, sweep, and screw their way to the top. The money saved by cutting the prison system will go towards social security, which will be cut in favor of home security. (Sentry Guns for everyone!)
The elimination of our nuclear weaponry. All nukes will sold on the open market, at pawn shops, and "Nuke Shows" Kid Rock, the future leader of the National Nuclear Association, will claim "You can have my nukes when you pry them from my cold, deformed hands". When nuclear war breaks out in the inner cities, the orginization will be quick to point out that the nukers are to blame, not the nukes. Nuclear weapons will instead be replaced by building a giant sattelite that can destroy worlds, namely, ours, thereby fufilling Reagan's prophecy of a Star Wars system
Abortion will be banned, but only for men
The famed Michael Jordan Statue will be moved from Chicago, IL to the lawn in front of the White House, to commemorate this nation's greatest modern day hero. In related news, The White House will be painted in "Camoflauge Green" to hide itself from would-be terrorists
The phrase "Under God" will be removed from the Pledge Of Allegiance, replaced by the more accurate phrase "Under Moon". The removal is done partly to do away with something so blatantly unconstitutional, but also to make the crazy Rev. Sun Myung Moon go away
The liberals in charge of P.B.S. will be done away with, replaced by libretarians. Most affected by this shift will be Barney and Friends, when the children recieve vouchers and attend private schools. Barney must then include prayer in his bumbiling nonsense, but the idea of a dinosaur saying prayer will upset most creationist minded christians. Barney will then be replaced by a man wearing only a fig leaf and missing a rib. The show will descend into an uncomfortable half-hour of a nearly-naked man singing and dancing in a room with a bunch of kids
To reduce the feeling of government power, Judges will no longer wear robes, instead, to show a feeling of deep-down-we-are-all-alike-ness, judges will go nude. This will auctually lead to a reduction in crime, as nobody wants to be setenced to long jail terms by a naked person with a hammer.
File Sharing is made legal. Musicians everywhere must sell their 4th homes to get by on mere millions every year.

This is only the tip of the iceberg for Biggetarianisim, for we have two decades to build the perfect platform. Any suggestions for further platform stances will be appreciated, lampooned, and accepted. Any supporters and advocates are appreciated, too. People from all sides of the political spectrum are welcome, for biggetarianisim does not fall on the left-right line, but on a plane identifiable only through complex, unrealistic physics.

Today, we embark on our new political philosophy. Tomorrow, we continue embarking. Hell, for the better part of our lifetimes we will do so much embarking, you wont know the difference between embarking and urinating. But if we get dedicated, the white house is within our grasp in 23 years. I know we can do it America.

FOR BIGGETARIANISTS EVERYWHERE,
Eric Z. Turner